I=>RICe 15 CENTS 




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THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY | 


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Mi. ri fintfiiiii 



Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubbs. For five male and six female characters. Time 
cf playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. 

THE OLD NEW HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- 
uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and novel. Price, 15 cents. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which 
results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker 
in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- 
mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girl. Price 
15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Smokeville's Social 

A Minstrel Show in Two Parts 



By 
GEORGE P. SEILER 

Author of " Queerville's Quaint Quartette " 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

I 9 I 8 






Copyright 1918 by Thk Penn Publishing Company 



APR 17 i9i8 



TMP96-J073J9 

Smokeville's Social 

S)GI.D 49364 



Smokeville's Social 



CHARACTERS 

Mr. Uppers Interlocutor 

Jumbo J UM Tambo End Man 

Zip Johnson Ta77ibo Efid Man 

Socrates Fizzle B/?nes End Man 

Skipton Squizzle - - - . Bones End Man 

Metnbers of chorus ^ specialty actor s^ etc. 
Time. — One hour (or half an hour for each part). 



DESCRIPTION OF THE ENTERTAINMENT 

This is a minstrel show, preferably black-face, in 
two parts. Either part may be given separately if 
desired. The fun consists in stories and jokes, inter- 
spersed with songs and other specialties. Squizzle 
tells how Zip got lost. " Sat on a fence and the vines 
grew up and hid him." Jumbo explains how tired the 
soldiers are on April ist, " after thirty-one days of 
March." Jumbo also knows the difference between a 
standing and a running account. Zip thinks he can 
tell a hen's age by the teeth. " She hasn't any." 
" No, but I have." Jumbo delivers his famous oration 
on "Our Country." Musical and dancing specialties, 
and a solid hour of wholesome rapid-fire entertainment. 
This minstrel show may be given without scenery, on 
any platform. Wherever a specialty is referred to it 
may be by some other actor than the one named by the 
Interlocutor, if preferred. Be careful to allow pause 
for laughs at the jokes, but also be ready to pass 
quickly on to the next point if the audience does not 
respond heartily. 

3 



ARRANGEMENT OF STAGE 

No scenery is required, although a back drop and 
wings showing outdoor scene will be found effective. 
Curtains may be substituted for them, or a stage 
decorated with large plants may be used. The arrange- 
ment is as follows : 

Back Drop 

(0 

6 6 

6 6 

6 6 

3 5 

Footlights 

I — Tnterlocutor ; 2 and 3 — Tambos ; 4 and 5 — Bones ; 
6, 6, 6 — chorus of specialties. Arrange in a semicircle, hav- 
ing hiterlocutor's chair elevated above others. Orchestra 
may be in a second circle behind the others, if desired. 



COSTUMES 



If possible and not too much expense, wear full 
dress suits, white shirts and collars (of large pattern) 
and black pumps. If desirable the suits may be of 
white cloth or silk of fancy pattern. Another good 
effect is found in white coat and pants having extra 
black — or colored — lapels, pocket flaps and cuffs 
tacked on. Collars may be very cheaply made from 
white " tough-check " paper. This comes in 22 x 28 
inch size, and if your linen collar is laid flat thereon 
and outlined a good collar is made. The holes for 
buttons must of course be punched therein and large 
dog-ears can be fashioned. About six collars can be 
made from one sheet at a cost of five cents. 



DIRECTIONS FOR MAKE-UP 

Ee sure to shave about thirty minutes before putting 
on the make-up. When you prepare for the make-up, 
rub some cold cream into your skin, using the tips of 
fing-ers and rubbing in a circular motion. When well 
rubbed in, wipe off the surplus, if any, by gently 
rubbing with a clean cloth or towel. Then apply the 
burnt cork (a 25 cent box will be sufficient for ten 
characters four or five times) by smoothly smearing 
all over the face and neck. After completing this 
operation, draw on your wig and complete the make- 
up by dusting on the face and neck a small amount of 
prepared black face powder. Then wash your hands 
thoroughly and put on your collar and tie. Draw on 
white cotton (or kid) gloves, put on costume, and you 
are ready to appear on the stage. 

The Interlocutor should simply apply a bit of rouge 
to the lips and cheeks (after applying cold cream), 
darken the eyebrows a bit and powder his hair a bit 
over the temples. He should wear Prince Albert coat, 
gray striped trousers, white shirt, standing collar and 
gray or black tie, unless others are wearing silk cos- 
tumes, in which case the Interlocutor wears silk cos- 
tume of different color from the others. 



Smokeville's Social 



PART I 



{Have all characters standing in front of their chairs 
on stage. Let baritone sing first verse of '' Old 
Black Joe," or some good modern song, and the 
company join in the chorus. As last line of chorus 
is sung raise curtain so that song is completed as 
curtain reaches top.) 

Interlocutor {stepping down). Gentlemen, be 
seated. {All take seats but Interlocutor. To audi- 
ence.) Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed a pleasure 
to introduce to you some of Smokeville's Upper Ten 
Thousand. Mr. Jumbo Jum (Jumbo sits as if asleep; 
loudly), Mr. Jumbo Jum. (Jumbo rises.) 

Jumbo {bowing to audience). 'Bliged to know 
you. {Sits.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Zip Johnson. 

Zip {rising). Pleased ter form yer 'quaintance. 

{Sits.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Socrates Fizzle. 
Fizzle {rising). Glad U kum. {Sits.) 
Interlocutor. Mr. Skipton Squizzle. 
Squizzle {rising). Happy fer de interduction. 

{Sits. Interlocutor sits also, in center chair.) 

(Jumbo laughs loud and heartily.) 

Interlocutor {seated c). Might I ask what has 
caused you to be so hilarious, Mr. Jum ? 



8 smokeville's social 

Jumbo (dumfotinded). So what? 

Interlocutor. So hilarious. 

Jumbo (dotibtfidly). Say dat ergin? 

Interlocutor. I said hi-lar-i-ous. 

Jumbo (plainly dumfounded). Oh, hully gee! 

Zip. Say, Mr. Inter-lo'-ciitor. 

Interlocutor. Interloc'utor. {Correcting.) 

Zip {to Jumbo). Did you get it? 

Jumbo. Not fer mine. 

Interlocutor. Why, there is nothing hard about 
that word. Now Hsten. {Speaks plainly.) Inter- 
locutor. 

Zip {facing audience — douhtfidly). Wonder how 
dat man spects me ter say interloc'utor. 

{Says it plainly.) 

Interlocutor. You were going to ask a question, 
Mr. Johnson? 

Zip. Yes sir. You know, I had a hard job to-day, 
and I sweat 

Interlocutor {interrupting). No, no, not sweat. 
You mean perspiration. 

Zip. Yes sir, preservation 

Interlocutor. No, no. You perspired. 

Zip. Well, when I expired, what caused dat? 

Interlocutor. That was caused by atmospheric 
humidity. (Jumbo and Zip and others all sink in 
chairs as if exhausted.) Shall I explain what that 
means ? 

Zip. To me? I know what it means — but you 
might explain hit to dese odder niggers. 

Interlocutor. Atmospheric humidity means the 
moisture or dampness in the air. It is a condition of 
climate and is what causes vegetation to thrive. Now, 
down in Louisiana they grow pumpkins weighing forty 
to fifty pounds. 

Jumbo. How dey do dat? 

Interlocutor. It's the climate, my boy. Out in 
Alabama they raise watermelons as large as those 
pumpkins. 



SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 9 

Zip. How dey do dat? 

Interlocutor. It's the climate, my boy. 

Zip. Huh ! Say, Mr. Uppers, up in N. Y. dey is 
buildin' a store lifty-nine stories high, and dey ain't 
goin' ter have no stairs en no elevators. 

Interlocutor. What? Fifty-nine stories high, 
and no stairs or elevators ? Impossible. 

Jumbo. No sir, dat's de truf. 

Interlocutor. Why, how can a man with an 
office on the top floor get up there? 

Zip. Climb it, my boy. 

{All except Interlocutor laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Where do you live now, Mr. Jum? 

Jumbo. Nowhere. 

Interlocutor. And where do you live, Mr. Fizzle? 

Fizzle. I'se got a room just above him. 

Squizzle. Say, Mr. Uppers, does yer know Zip is 
some lazy nigger? 

Interlocutor. No, I did not, and I'm surprised to 
hear it. 

Squizzle. He sho' is, all right. One time he war 
workin' on er farm en dey thought dey los' him. 

Interlocutor. Did he wander off? 

Squizzle. Wander off? No sir, he war a-sittin' 
on er fence, en de vines grew all round him. 

{Pause for laugh.) 

Zip. Aw pshaw ! Dat time, Mr. Uppers, de boss 
gibe me some money to go en buy a present. I sot on 
de fence tryin' ter think what ter buy. Yo' know 
hit's hard ter buy fer er man. 

Jumbo {musing). Yep, mos' women hate ter spen' 
money dat way. 

Interlocutor. Who was it you were to buy for? 

Zip. Mr. Jinks. 

Interlocutor. His name is not Jinks, it is Mr. 
Jenks. 

Jumbo. Don' yer see, nigger, yer puts de axcent 
on de pronotm? {Pause for laugh.) 



10 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 

Squizzle. He sho do dress some, don' he ? 

Interlocutor. Very nicely indeed. He has my 
ideas of dress exactly. 

Jumbo. How's dat? 

Interlocutor. Well, I think a man's clothes should 
match his hair. For instance, a black-haired man 
should wear black clothes, a brown-haired man brown 
clothes, and so on, don't you? 

Squizzle. S'posin' he's bald? {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Zip Johnson will now render 
his famous original ballad entitled 

(Zip sings some selection.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Fizzle, I'm told that you are 
quite good at guessing. 

Fizzle {proudly). Who, me? I should guess I" 
am. 

Interlocutor. Well, let's see if you can guess this 
one. Are you ready? 

Fizzle. 'Spress yo'self, man — 'spress yo'self. 

Interlocutor. Now pay attention. 

Fizzle. If I do hit will be the firs' thing I ever 
paid. 

Interlocutor. Why has a giraffe such a long 
neck? 

Jumbo. Gwan, nigger, tell him ; dat's easy. 

Interlocutor. Well, if it is so easy, Mr. Jum, you 
tell us. 

Jumbo. Yo' wants ter know why a giraffe has such 
a long neck? 

Interlocutor. That was my question. 

Jumbo {clearing throat). Hum-m-m-m. Firstly. 
I guess hit's because his head is so far from his body. 

{Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Soc Fizzle will now entertain 
us with {Name song.) 

(Fizzle sings.) 
{As he finishes, Zip begins to sing from the song.) 



SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL II 

Interlocutor. Mr. Johnson, you seem ter be quite 
a composer. 

Zip. Supposer? 

Interlocutor. No, no. I said composer. 

Zip. Oh, yes sir. I can dispose. 

Interlocutor. You don't seem to understand. A 
composer is one who composes music — or poetry. 

Zip. Yes sir, I sho am good at disposin' of poultry. 

Interlocutor. Now, who said anything about 
poultry? Poetry, as you should know, is verse. Say 
four or more lines that harmonize. 

Zip. Yes sir, I can hipnotize 'em too. 

Interlocutor. Can you compose? 

Zip. I'll try. What you want me ter do? 

Interlocutor. Compose a little poetry on some 
word. 

Zip. All right. You say de word. 

Interlocutor (hesitatingly). Well — let us take 
the word — ransom. 

Zip (taking center of stage). Ransom — ransom. 

I know a girl just six feet tall, 
So sweet and fine and handsome ; 
To win her love, make her my wife 
I'm sho ma soul I'd ransom. 

Interlocutor (company claps). That was fine. 
Jumbo. Say, Mr. Uppers, I kin beat dat. 
Interlocutor. Well, you have my permission to 
try. 

Jumbo (taking center of stage). ♦ 

A torn cat sat on er sowin* machine. 

So sweet and fine and handsome, (Looks at Zip.) 

Till he got ten stitches in his tail 

An' b'lieve me, boys, he ran some. (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Both of you gentlemen seem to be 
quite poetic. 

Squizzle. Who et it? 



12 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 

Interlocutor {disregarding him). Especially so 
as concerns the fine and handsome. Do you believe, 
Mr. Squizzle, that beauty is as beauty does ? 

Fizzle. For one, I do. 

Interlocutor. In what way, Mr. Fizzle? 

Fizzle. I think any one will admit that silk stock- 
ings are more attractive when in use than when in er 
box. {Laugh.) 

Squizzle. Nigger, you'd better be careful how you 
talk. Don' f ergit yo' . come near gettin' in bad yester- 
day wid yo' wife. 

Interlocutor. How was that, Mr. Squizzle? 

Squizzle. He war er walkin' down the street wid 
his ole woman, en all of a suddin he says : " Dere's 
a peach, Susan — look at dem lines en dat body." 

Interlocutor {after pause). I'm surprised at you, 
Mr. Fizzle, to hear you talk of a lady that way. 

Squizzle. Who said anything erbout a lady? He 
war talkin' erbout er automobile. {Laugh.) 

Fizzle. Nigger, you know a woman sho can be 
queer. Las' night when I goes home from workin' in 
de cold all day I ax my old woman, says I : " Did yo' 
sew dat button on ma overcoat, darlin' ? " 

Interlocutor. I'm sure she did. 

Fizzle. Sho she did? Huh. She said ter me: 
" No, ma little brown skin, I couldn't fine de button 
so I sewed up de buttonhole." {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Anyway, it's kind of her to look 
after your clothes. 

Fizzle. She sho do dat — especially de pockets. 

{Laugh.) 

Jumbo, Woman sho am queer. 

Interlocutor. In what way, Mr. Jum? 

Jumbo. All she thinks erbout is clothes. 

Squizzle. Yep, en all she talks about is men. 

Interlocutor. No doubt they do sometimes, Mr. 
Squizzle, but there is a time when a woman doesn't 
talk about men. 

Squizzle. Yes? When dat? 



smokeville's social 13 

Interlocutor. When she goes to church. 
{Laugh.) 

Squizzle. When she goes ter church? Woman 
don't talk about men when she goes ter church ? 

Interlocutor. No, she doesn't. 

Squizzle. What does she do when she goes ter 
church ? 

Interlocutor. She goes inside. (Squizzle re- 
peats.) Sits down. (Squizzle repeats.) Says a 
prayer 

Squizzle. En when she done prayin' what she do ? 
She say, A-men, don't she? {Laugh.) Gwan, Mr. 
Uppers, she all time singing hims, ain't she? She 
never singing hers. 

Interlocutor. Yes, but 

Squizzle. Listen out dere. {Points to audience.) 

Interlocutor. What have those people out there 
got to do with what we are talking about ? 

Squizzle. Ain't dey sayin' He — He — He? 

Interlocutor. In spite of all that, I think that 
every man should get married. 

Fizzle. Wliy? 

Interlocutor. Well, think of a poor single man. 
He goes home after work to a cold room. 

Fizzle. Cold room. 

Interlocutor. He has to wash in cold water. 

Fizzle. Cold water. 

Interlocutor. Then he has to sit down to a cold 
meal. 

Squizzle. En if he's married his wife will make 
hit hot fer him, eh? {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Skipton Squizzle will now 
render his pleasing little ditty entitled 

( Squizzle sings. ) 

Interlocutor. The way you said cold water a 
while ago, Mr. Fizzle, it would seem that you do not 
like w^ater. 

Fizzle. Hit's de only thing I drink. 



14 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 



Jumbo. Don't yo' get a bath every Saturday night, 
nigger? 

Fizzle. More en Saturday night — I gits a bath 
every time ma ole woman does some washin'. I gits 
a bath in de blue- water. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Johnson, I asked you to stop 
at the drug-store for me ; did you ? 

Zip. Yes sir. 

Interlocutor. Did you get what I wanted? 

Zip. No sir, de man ain't got hit. 

Interlocutor. You mean to say he had no anti- 
phlogistine ? 

Zip. Well, I didn't tell him dat. I fergot how ter 
say hit, so I tole him hit sounds something lak ach du 
lieber augustine. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Did you get the other article I sent 
you for? 

Zip. He ain't got dat, either. 

Interlocutor. No pulverized pumice stone, either? 

SouizzLE. No wonder. 

Interlocutor. No wonder? No wonder what? 

Squizzle. He axes de man fer pulverize puiferice. 

{La^igh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Jum, I wonder if you can tell 
me why soldiers are so tired on the first of April. 

JvMBO {thinking). Why are soldiers so tired on 
de first of April? Yo' ain't tryin' ter fool me, is yer? 

Interlocutor. No, that is a legitimate question. 

Jumbo {aside). Dat's w^hat hit sounds lak. Now 
let's see — firstly — den foremostly — I guess hit's be- 
cause dey has just finished thirty-one days of March. 

{Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Squizzle, you look worried. 

Squizzle. I is worried. 

Interlocutor. And what has disturbed your 
mental equipoise? 

Squizzle. Hey? 

Zip. Dat's just hit — hay; lak all donkeys, he eats 
too much. 



smokeville's social 15 

Squizzle. I scorns de base collusion. 

Interlocutor. Well, what is the matter? 

Squizzle. I'se jes' thinking how narrowly I 'scaped 
losin' ma life yesterday on er excursion. De steamer 
was full, en so was everybody else. De blue waves 
rippled en de sunlight danced. De little birds hlled 
deyselves wid melody en de men dey filled deyselves 
wid somefin else. When all was bright en gay en 
nobody war er thinking of de afterward hereafter, 
bang — 'long come er awful 'splosion, blowin' de 
steamer sky high, en kill every man, woman, en chile 
on de boat. (Pause.) 

Interlocutor (after waiting). And how did you 
escape, Mr. Squizzle? 

Squizzle. How did I escape? I stayed home. 

(Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Johnson, I'm told that you 
purchased a plantation in Alabama. 

Zip. Dat's jes' what I'se done. Cost me $40,000. 

Interlocutor. All paid for, I hope? 

Zip. Sho it am — paid eleben doUahs down en gib 
ma note fer de res'. 

Interlocutor. Is it a healthy locality? 

Zip. Healthy? Well, I should snicker. Why, no- 
body ever dies dere, not even de niggers. Dey jes' 
dry up en blow way. Dar hasn't been a doctor dere 
since Christofo Columbine drove slaves in Baltimore. 

Interlocutor. It must be a great sanitorium. 

Zip (dunifounded). A which unorium? 

Interlocutor. Sanitorium. A place where people 
go to recover their health. 

Zip. Zactly, sir, zactly. Las' summer a man come 
dar frum de norf. He war awful sick. He had de 
cunfused confounded consumption of de liver. His 
lungs war all gone en he breave through his gills lak 
a fish. He brought his coffin en pallbearers along, en 
had his 'bituary notice all made out. 

Interlocutor. Well ? 

Zip. Well? I should say well. He kum ter ma 



i5 smokeville's social 

plantation, en yo' never seed a man improve so. 'Fore 
he'd been there an hour he turn er handspring, kicked 
de bottom out of his coffin, hcked all de pallbearers, 
sassed ma mudder-in-law, chased a nigger ten miles, 
chopped a cord of wood, en gained forty-seven pounds 
in weight. {Laugh.) 

Jumbo. Whew, dat's some lie. 

Zip. Some lie? 

Jumbo. Dat's what ah said, nigger. Yo' tole dat 
lie jes' because yo' thot yo' could beat me lyin', nigger. 

Zip. Well, I bet I kin beat yo' lyin'. 

Jumbo. All right, let Mr. Uppers hole de stakes. 

{They hand Interlocutor money.) 

Zip {taking center of stage). Day after to-morrow 
about four thousan' years ago, my great-grandchild 
bought a piece of ground ten miles square. In the 
center of this ground he planted a cane pole. Ninety 
years after planting it it had grow^n so long that it 
would reach from Portland Maine to Portland Oregon. 

{Laugh.) 

Jumbo. Dat was some pole, w^asn't it, boy? 

Zip. Sure was. 

Jumbo. Must 'a' bin fine ter look at, too, eh, boy? 

Zip, Well, I guess. En I guess I'se entitled to dat 
money. 

Jumbo. Hold on dar, dar's annuder county to be 
heard from. Last night my great-grandfather started 
to build a tower on a piece of ground one foot square. 
That tower will be finished in one thousand years from 
now and will reach from the earth to the moon. 

Zip. Whoopee! What yo' all gwine do wid such 
a big tower? 

Jumbo. Gwine er put yo' great-grandchild's cane 
pole in it. {Laugh.) 

(Interlocutor hands Jumbo money.) 

Fizzle. Say, Mr. Juni, is yo' a good speller? 



smokeville's social 17 

Jumbo. Yes sir, pretty consid'able good. 

Fizzle. What does m-i-l-k spell? 

Jumbo. Hit spells mostly water. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. I passed your house yesterday, Mr. 
Squizzle, and saw your brother sitting on the porch. 
Isn't sick, is he ? 

Squizzle. Yes sir; we got de doctor for him. 

Interlocutor. What seems to be the trouble with 
him ? 

Squizzle. Dat's de funny part ob hit. Nobody 
seems ter know what's de matter. He can eat and 
sleep as well as anybody, he stays out all day in de sun 
and seems as well as anybody, but he can't do no work 
at all. 

Zip. Dat ain't no disease what yo' brother got, 
Squiz — dat's er gif. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Doesn't he follow the directions 
for taking his medicine ? 

Squizzle. Not zactly — hit says on de label " keep 
de bottle well corked." 

Interlocutor. When your brother is in good 
health, what kind of work is he best fitted for, Mr. 
Squizzle? 

Squizzle. A stage hand in a moving picture 
theatre. {Laugh.) 

Fizzle {laughing). Ha — ha — ha! 

Interlocutor. What's so funny, Mr. Fizzle? 

Fizzle. Fse thinking 'bout what happened yester- 
day. Ob course I don't have ter 'mind yo' dat dis 
country is at war. Well, I was milkin' a cow in de 
field yesterday en erlong come er man an' axes me: 
*' Why ain't you at the front ? " 

Interlocutor. What did you tell him? 

Fizzle. I tole him de milk was at de end where I 
was a-sittin' at. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. You seem to be quite a peaceful 
man. 

Fizzle. Yes, sir, but my voice is for war. 

Zip. How about de rest ob yo' body ? 

Jumbo. De res' ob yo' body ain't no good in war 
if vou cain't tote a rifle. 



1 8 SMOKE VILLE's SOCIAL 

Interlocutor. That's right, Mr. Jum; your rifle 
is your best friend. 

Jumbo. I should say so; a man ought to treat his 
rifie lak he does his wife — rub hit down every day 
wif an oily rag. (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Jumbo Jum will now interpo- 
late his harmonious little harmony entitled 

(Jumbo sings.) 

Zip. I killed a hog the other day, Mr. Uppers, en 
how much does yo* s'pose hit weighed ? 

Interlocutor. Well, I — perhaps it weighed 

Zip. Now be careful, 'member, hit war a big hog. 

Interlocutor. At a venture I should say it 
weighed 

Zip. Don' be rash, sir, don' be rash. 

Interlocutor. If you will allow me to speak, I 
would suggest that it weighed about two hundred 
pounds. 

Zip. Does yo' indeed? I war talkin' erbout a hog. 

Interlocutor. Well, say three hundred pounds. 

Zip. I said I killed a hog, it wasn't a rabbit. Squiz, 
you guess. 

Squizzle. Four hundred pounds. 

Zip. Huh, yo' is a powerful weak guesser. Has 
nobody got onto de idea dat I spoke of killin' a hog? 
Jum, yo' guess. 

Jumbo. Seventy-five pounds. 

Zip. Yo' is a fool. Fiz, yo' guess. 

Fizzle. Whose hog war hit? 

Zip. Hit war mine. 

Fizzle. Who owned it? 

Zip. I did, sir; hit war mine, hit belonged ter me. 

Fizzle. Hit weighed twice as much as half. 

Interlocutor. To save argument, Mr. Johnson, I 
will guess that it weighed five hundred pounds. 

Zip. Gemmen, I'se talkin' erbout er hog dat I 
killed. 

Interlocutor (impatiently) . Well, then, six hun- 
dred — seven hundred — eight hundred — a thousand 
pounds. 



SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL I9 

Zip. Gemmen, once more let me relate the fact dat 
I killed a hog. 

Interlocutor. I guessed a thousand pounds. 
Now, for goodness sake, Mr. Johnson, how much did 
it weigh? 

Zip. I dunno, I didn't weigh hit. 

(Chorus.) 
End of Part I 



CURTAIN 



PART II 

(Citrtain) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Squizzle, were you ever in 
Boston? 

Squizzle. Yep. 

Interlocutor. The way the streets are laid out is 
quite a puzzle, don't you think? 

Squizzle. I should say so. 

Interlocutor. Get tangled up any? 

Squizzle. A little. I stole a monkey from a front 
porch, ran two miles with him and stopped to rest 
right on the same porch I stole him from. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Speaking of monkeys, Mr. Jum, do 
you believe our ancestors were monkeys? 

Jumbo. Who the dickens cares? What I'm tryin* 
ter do is ter live so dat ma descendants won't think 
this perticular ancestor was an ass. {Laugh.) 

Zip. Talkin' erbout animules, Mr. Uppers, how's 
de bes' way ter treat a mule what's got distemper? 

Fizzle. Wid respect. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Jum, I heard to-day that your 
son is an undertaker. I thought you told me he was 
a physician? 

Jumbo. Not at all, sir. 

Interlocutor. I don't like to contradict, but I'm 
positive you did say so. 

Jumbo. You misunderstood me, I'm sure. I said 
he followed the medical profession. {Laugh.) 

Squizzle. When yo' all git ter talkin' erbout doc- 
tors yo' make me feel sore all ober ; ebery bone in ma 
body aches. 

Zip. Yo' ought ter be glad yo' ain't a herring. 

{Laugh.) 

20 



SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 21 

Fizzle. Mr. Uppers, I'se tole yo' business is very- 
good — yo' is makin' plenty money? 

Interlocutor. Yes, Air. Fizzle, I am making 
money. I made about two thousand dollars last 
month — enough to pay all my bills — every dollar I 
owe. 

Jumbo. What kind of a car is yo' goin' ter buy? 

{Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Well, Mr. Jum, money-making is 
an art. 

Jumbo. Yep, dat's right, en hit's a lost art wid me. 

Interlocutor. You're quite witty, Mr. Jum. 
Have you a running account at any of the stores? 

Jumbo. No sir, all still standing. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Jum will now entertain us 
with 

(Jumbo gives song or other specialty.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Squizzle, you look worried; 
what's wrong? 

Squizzle. I wrote two notes last week — one to my 
sister asking her if I were a fool, and the other to ma 
gal askin' her ter be ma wife. While I war out dis 
mornin' somebody telephoned " Yes," and I don't 
know which one hit war. {Laugh.) 

Zip. Say, Mr. Uppers, see dat lady way back in de 
audience {points) ; don' she look lak Helen Brown? 

Fizzle. Dat's a blue dress she got on, Zip. 

Zip. Well, she's a female train robber. 

Interlocutor. Is that so? 

Zip. Yep, she invented de short skirt. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Skirts are goin' to be shorter next 
spring, I'm told. 

Squizzle ( musing). 

Shorter, shorter, little skirt, 
Way so high above de dirt; 
Be sanitary as you can. 
And gently turn de hose on man. 



22 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 

Interlocutor. I don't see any cause for such 
short skirts, do you, Mr. Jum? 
Jumbo. Sometimes yo' kin see two good causes. 

(Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Fizzle, I'm told you are going 
to get married. 

Fizzle. Yep, dat's right. 

Interlocutor. Asked the girl's father yet? 

Fizzle. Went to see him in de parlor las' night. 
*' G-good-evenin'," I said. " Good-evenin'," he an- 
swered ; " how do you feel ? You look a little nerv- 
ous." " Flattered," I said ; " I was afraid I looked 
scared to deaf." (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Getting a good girl? 

P'tzzle. Yep, en er slick one, too. Yo' see, when I 
pops de question en she accepts, I says to her : " Susan, 
let's hev a little understandin' afore we settles down. 
Is yo' gwine ter be de president or vice-president of 
dis society ? " "I don't want either," she says. " Ah'U 
be content wid a minor position." 

Interlocutor. She's very reasonable, to be sure. 

Fizzle. Not when you know de res'. 

Interlocutor. Why, what position did she want? 

Fizzle. Treasurer. (Laugh.) 

Jumbo. Squiz, I'se tole yo' had some money lef 
yo'. 

Squizzle. Yep, lef me some time ago. 

Jumbo. Oh, I thought dat war de reason yo' lef 
yo' las' job, 

Squizzle. Nope. 

Jumbo. Warn't de work congenial? 

Squizzle. Jum, no work is congenial. (Pause.) 
In ma perfession hit's impossible ter git er day's work. 

Interlocutor. What is your profession, Mr. 
Squizzle? 

Squizzle. I'se er night watchman. (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Johnson, how do you tell the 
age of a hen? 

Zip. By the teeth. 



SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 23 

Interlocutor. By the teeth? Man, a hen has 
no teeth. 

Zip. No, but I have. {Laugh.) 

Jumbo. Say, Mr. Uppers, see dat gal out yonder 
dressed in brown ? 

Interlocutor. Yep. 

Jumbo. I'd lak ter squeeze her. 

Interlocutor. Can I tell her that? 

Jumbo. Does yo' know her? 

Interlocutor. Yep. 

Jumbo. Who is she? 

Interlocutor. She's my wife. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Socrates Fizzle will now enter- 
tain us with 

(Fizzle: Song or specialty.) 

SouizzLE. Mr. Uppers, what does yo' think ob dis 
high cost of libin'? 

Interlocutor. Well, it's all our own fault. If 
every one would raise his own vegetables it wouldn't 
be so bad. 

Souizzle. Did you have anything in yo' garden 
dis season? 

Interlocutor. Oh, yes, several varieties. 

Squizzle. What, for instance? 

Zip. His neighbor's chickens. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Yes — and do you know, there was 
a strange cat that would come in and scratch every- 
thing up? 

Jumbo. Why didn't yo' throw a brick at him? 

Interlocutor. I couldn't very well. 

Jumbo. Why? 

Fizzle. Every time Mr. Uppers would come out 
the door the cat would run en sit on his green house. 

{Laugh.) 

Zip. How big is yo' plantation, Mr. Uppers? 
Interlocutor. About a mile long as the cry flows. 
Jumbo. Yo' mean as the flow cries. 



24 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 

Squizzle. No, he means as the fly crows. 

(All look at one another as if something is wrong. 
Pause. ) 

Fizzle. Looks lak none of yo' all went to school. 

Jumbo. Well, I didn't lak de school what dey sent 
me to. 

Interlocutor. Why not, Mr. Jum? 

Jumbo. Dey want ter teach me a lot of things I 
don't know anything erbout. 

Interlocutor. Well, they wanted you to know 
how to grasp an opportunity. Opportunity, you know, 
knocks at every man's door. 

Jumbo. Yep, but mos' often hit's er opportunity 
ter open a peanut stan', when you'd sooner open a 
bank. 

Interlocutor. But surely you'd want to know how 
to put your money into something safe. 

Squizzle. He could try a fire proof vault. ^ 

Interlocutor. Making fire proof vaults is my 
profession. I can make a fire proof vault that can be 
heated to white heat and not burn the contents. 

Zip. White heat? 

Interlocutor. That's v/hat I said. 

Zip. Whew, dat's a hot one. 

Fizzle. Aw pshaw — you can't hole a candle ter 
de stuff I make. Can't hole er candle to hit. 

Interlocutor. What do you make, Mr. Fizzle? 

Fizzle. Dynamite. (Laugh.) 

Jumbo (dreamily) . Dat looks lak rain. 

Interlocutor. What looks like rain? 

Squizzle. Water. (Laugh.) 

Interlocl^tor. Mr. Fizzle, did you see that gen- 
tleman in the lobby going around with that paper 
collecting? 

Fizzle. De one what was beggin' ? 

Interlocutor. He was not begging; he was col- 
lecting for the missionaries. Did you give him any- 
thing? 

Fizzle. Indirectly. 

Interlocutor. Indirectly? 



SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 25 

Fizzle. Yep, I only had a dime, so I bought soda- 
water wid hit. 

Interlocutor. Bought soda-water? (Fizzle 
nods.) How does buying soda-water give the mis- 
sionaries anything either directly or indirectly? 

Fizzle. Well, the soda-water man could give them 
the money. (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. You're a perfect heathen. 

Fizzle. Does yo' mean dat? 

Interlocutor. I most certainly do. 

Fizzle. Den I don' put no mo' money in de col- 
lection plate. 

Interlocutor. Why? 

Fizzle. 'Cause I guess I'se as hard up as any other 
heathen. (Laugh.) 

Jumbo. I see I'll have ter take him to ma church. 

Interlocutor. What do you have in your church, 
Mr. Jum? 

Jumbo. Well, we have lovely music — Bible stories 
and the collect every Sunday. 

Fizzle. Nothing doin'. I had de colic once, en 
hit nearly killed me. You can't make me go where 
dey have hit every Sunday. (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. There's as much difference be- 
tween you and Mr. Jum as between day and night. 

Fizzle. I don' know 'bout dat; we bof black. 

(Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. I mean in generosity. 

Fizzle. What osity? 

Interlocutor. Generosity. 

Fizzle. Who de deuce is dat? 

Interlocutor. Well, for instance. Mr. Jum gave 
his church a check for seventy-five dollars. 

Jumbo. Aw, Mr, Uppers — I don' lak ter parade 
my doin's lak dat. 

Interlocutor. I'm sure you don't, Mr. Jum. 

Jumbo. No sir, I don' lak ter show what I do — I 
even signed another name to de check. (Laugh.) ^ 

Squizzle. Mr. Jum, he got mo' money den Fiz. 



26 smokeville's social 

Interlocutor. That's Mr. Fizzle's fault. 

SouizzLE No sir, hit ain't. Mr. Fizzle cain't work 
steady. 

Interlocutor. And why not? 

Squizzle. He war struck by er automobile. 

Interlocutor. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Mr. 
Fizzle, where were you hit? 

Fizzle. Well, Mr. Uppers, if I'd been carryin' er 
licens plate hit would er been busted ter pieces. 

{Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Did you know the driver of the 
machine ? 

Fizzle. Yes, sir. 

Zip. War a friend of hisn. 

Interlocutor. A friend? 

Zip. I guess so, anyway, he war out slayin'. 

Interlocutor. Out sleighing? Sleighing in an 
automobile ? 

Zip. Yep, certainly. He slew a cow en two dogs. 

{Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Zip Johnson will now entertain 
us with 

(Zip: Song or other specialty.) 

Jumbo. See that woman over there, Zip? She's 
a bombastic nutt, a windjammer inanity, a false alarm 
and an encumbrance of the earth. 

Zip. Would you mind writing dat down for me? 

Jumbo. For what? 

Zip. She's my wife, an' I should lak ter use hit on 
'er some time. 

Interlocutor. You should be careful how you 
talk, Mr. Jum, and to whom. 

Zip. Oh, I agrees wid him, Mr. Uppers. Why, 
only de odder day she axes me if she could have one 
hundred dollahs per month spendin' money. 



smokeville's social 27 

Interlocutor. What did you tell her? 
Zip. I tole her certainly, if she could find hit. 

{Laugh.) 

Fizzle. She's got er master mind, all right. 

Squizzle. En Zip is de man ter master hit, too. 

Interlocutor. Is she a suffragette, Mr. Johnson? 

Zip. She sho am. 

Interlocutor. Are you in favor of suffrage? 

Zip. I wish women had hit already. 

Interlocutor. Why? 

Zip. When women get suffrage dey won't want ter 
move so often for fear of losing their votes. {Laugh. ) 

Squizzle. She's a pretty woman all right, Zip. 

Jumbo. Says her face is her fortune. 

Zip. Hit's a good thing she can't leave her fortune 
to anybody. {Laugh.) 

Fizzle. She sure got beautiful teeth. 

Jumbo. Yep, dey looks jes' lak stars. 

Zip. En dey come out every night, too. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. How old is she, Mr. Johnson? 

Zip. She'll be thirty next week. 

Interlocutor. Thirty — that's fine; you ought to 
get her a nice present. Something that will spread 
out and show up fine. 

Jumbo. Buy her five dollars' worth of rice, and 
boil it. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Mr. Skipton Squizzle will now 
entertain us with 

(Squizzle : Song or other specialty.) 

Interlocutor. We were talking about woman's 
suffrage, Mr. Fizzle. Do you think women would 
make good politicians? 

Fizzle. No, I don't; they would keep too near to 
trusts. 

Interlocutor. In what way? 

Fizzle. Why, the next thing to a woman is a 
combination. ( Laugh. ) 

Jumbo. That may be, but most women are against 



28 smokeville's social 

trusts. I'll give yo' an illustrating idea. We used to 
take ice from de ice trust, now ma wife takes frum 
an independent ice man. 

Interlocutor. And the reason is? 

Jumbo. She said the new man tole her he would 
give her colder ice for de same money. {Laugh.) 

Squizzle. Say, Mr. Uppers, does yer know dat 
Mr. Jum had er addition ter his family last week? 

Interlocutor. My compliments, Mr. Jum. Is it 
a boy or girl? 

Jumbo. Hit's er girl. 

Interlocutor. Have you named it yet? 

Jumbo. Yep, we call hit " Exy." 

Interlocutor. " Exy " ? That's a queer name, 
isn't it ? 

Jumbo. Well, we call her dat for short. Her real 
name is most beautiful; we found hit in er medicine 
book. 

Interlocutor. Quite technical, eh? What's her 
real name? 

Jumbo. Eczema. {Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. You must expect her to be scien- 
tific when she grows up. 

Jumbo. Why so? 

Interlocutor. Her name would indicate that. 
That is, if her name is any index to her future. 

Jumbo. What has scientific to do with it? 

Interlocutor. Do you know what science is? 

Jumbo. No, what is it? 

Interlocutor. I'll illustrate. 

Jumbo. Then it'll be prostrate. 

Interlocutor. Prostrate nothing. To illustrate, 
you take a glass. 

Jumbo. A schooner? 

Interlocutor. No, not a schooner. You take a 
glass. 

Jumbo. Of whiskey? 

Interlocutor. No, not whiskey — you take a glass 
of water. 

Jumbo. I can't drink water. 

Interlocutor. Why not? 



smokeville's social 29 

Jumbo. My doctor tole me I have er iron constitu- 
tion, and Fse 'fraid water will rust hit. 

Interlocutor. Never mind your constitution. 
You take a glass of water, you look at it 

Zip. And wish hit war whiskey. 

Interlocutor. Nothing of the sort. You look at 
it and it looks perfecily clear. But, science steps in 
and puts a microscope over it. Then you see the glass 
full of bugs. Now do you understand what science is? 

Jumbo. Yep, hit's er glass full of bugs under a 
microscope. (Laugh.) 

Squizzle. Mr. Uppers, yo' is well eddicated, ain't 
yo'? 

Interlocutor. Well, I don't boast of my knowl- 
edge. 

Squizzle. Is yo' good at figgers? 

Interlocutor. Fairly so. 

Squizzle. Let's see if yo' kin figger dis. Shall I 
permeate de question? 

Interlocutor. Yes, go ahead. 

Squizzle. Yo' is at ease, is yer? 

Interlocutor. Perfectly so. 

Squizzle. An ole woman had five children — did 
yo' get them? 

Interlocutor. The five children? 

Squizzle. No, that part of de 'zample. An old 
woman had five children — she also had three ap- 
ples 

Interlocutor. She had five children, and three 
apples. 

Squizzle. How did she divide them evenly among 
the five children? 

Interlocutor. I'm afraid I'll have to give that up, 
Mr. Squizzle. How did she divide them? 

Squizzle. She made apple sauce. (Laugh.) 

TuMBo. Mr. Uppers, s'pose yo' entertains us er 
bit? 

(Interlocutor sings or does specialty.) 

Zip. Mr. Uppers, is yo' good at guessing? 
Interlocutor. Well, I won't refuse to try. 



30 



SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 



Zip. a boy bought five eggs for twenty-five cents. 
What did he buy them for? 

Interlocutor. What did he buy them for? — er, 
to eat? 

Zip. Nope. 

Interlocutor. To set? 

Zip. Nope. 

Interlocutor. Then for what? 

Zip. For a quarter. 

Squizzle, I'd lak ter ask dis whole congregation 
of eclipses a question. 

Interlocutor. You mean that all of us will have 
a chance to guess? 

Squizzle. Dat's 'zactly what I mean. 

Interlocutor. You must have an interesting 
question, Mr. Squizzle. Go ahead. 

Squizzle. You first, Mr. Uppers; why is a lady's 
belt like an ash cart? 

Interlocutor. Why is a lady's belt like an ash 
cart? er — ahem (All deep in thought.) 

Interlocutor. I give up. 

Squizzle. You guess, Jum. 

Jumbo. I guess — I'll give up too. 

Squizzle. Yo' guess, Fiz. 

Fizzle. Ah guess I'll do de same. 

Squizzle. Yo' all ain't ladies' men, is yo'? Yo' 
guess. Zip. 

Zip. Guess I'm in de same fix as de res'. 

Squizzle. Why is a lady's belt like an ash cart ? 

Interlocutor. That's the question you asked. 
Now why? 

Squizzle. 'Cause hit goes 'round and gathers the 
waist. (Laugh.) 

Jumbo. Dat nigger ought to have a beatin' for dat. 

Fizzle. He got a good beatin' de odder night, Jum. 

Squizzle. Yep, en I sho felt lak Laz'rus, too. 

Interlocutor. Felt like Lazarus? How is that? 

Squizzle. Don't de good book say Laz'rus war 
licked by de dogs? (Laugh.) 

Zip. Mr. Uppers, who war de lady yo' war wif 
de odder day? 



31 

Interlocutor. That young lady ? 

Zip. Young? Dis must be her second time on 
earth. 

Interlocutor. She's good looking, don't you 
think? 

Zip. Yes sir. (Aside.) She'd have ter sneak up 
on de dipper to git er drink. 

Interlocutor. How do you hke her carriage? 

Zip. Carriage? Fine. (Aside.) She war ridin' 
m er wheelbarrow when I seed her. 

Interlocutor. I mean her walk, of course. 

Zip. Yes sir, I lak a girl wif a good walk; saves 
carfare. (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Notice how she glides erlong? 

Zip. Yes sir, she sho do. (Aside.) Can't help 
hit; her feet's too big ter lif off de ground. (Laugh.) 

(Pause.) 

Interlocutor. I was just thinking what a great 
country this is, so big, so great all round. Every day 
of any consequence celebrated by a national holiday. 

Fizzle. Dey ought ter have a national junk day, 
when every house en barn en shed is cleaned of hits 
junk. 

Squizzle. Lor' a mussy, man, think how many 
homes would have little left in them. (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. Some of the lessons of our great 
men are true and wonderful too. Think of George 
Washington. I have one characteristic he had. 

Fizzle. What's dat? 

Interlocutor. I never told lies when I was a boy. 

Fizzle, When did yo' begin? (Laugh.) 

Interlocutor. And think of the fine churches we 
have. 

Zip. And the 180,000 saloons, too. 

Interlocutor. And all the millionaires we have. 

Squizzle. And all our paupers, too. 

Interlocutor. Mr. Jum, you are too quiet for 
such a patriotic citizen. We'd all like to hear your 
famous oration on " our country." 



32 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 

Fizzle. Yes sir, dat's de bes' oration what was 
ever orated. 

(Jumbo takes center of stage.) 

Jumbo. Fellow citizens, dis sho am a great country 
of ours. We've got de greatest aggregation of 
libertines and liars, politicians and poverty — Christians 
and chain gangs — schools and scalawags — trusts and 
tramps — money and misery — plenty and hunger — 
virtue and vice dat ever aggregated. Why, we've got 
men in de penitentiary wiv two wives, and a man in 
Congress who's got three. We make canned beef 
out of horses en sick cows, and corpses out of de 
people dat eat hit. We've got newspapers dat sup- 
press de truf and get rich fer lying. We got trusts 
dat hold up and poverty dat hold down. We make 
hit possible for thieves ter vote, en women can't. 
We've got men in jail for stealing bread en in Con- 
gress for stealing railroads. Hit's er veritable circus — 
we've got good things en bad things, hot things en 
cold things, all kinds en sizes, all colors en varieties, 
et cetera and so forth. We've got de greatest circus 
on earth — en de admission is free. 

{Final Chorus.) 



CURTAIN 



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